oh, Man.....I don't know what to say

[ladycattat]

I am just heartsick....a dear friend just found out her husband may have lung cancer. He is in his early 40s, works out, does not smoke. My friend is in her early 30s, a SAHM, and they have an 8 year old son.
She has a rocky relationship with both his family and her family. She is trying to *buck up* and be brave for him, but when she is away from him she just dissolves. I want to be there for her....but truly, I don't have any experience in this area at all. Any ideas?
Thanks
Laurie

[JenW]

I am just heartsick....a dear friend just found out her husband may have lung cancer. He is in his early 40s, works out, does not smoke. My friend is in her early 30s, a SAHM, and they have an 8 year old son.
She has a rocky relationship with both his family and her family. She is trying to *buck up* and be brave for him, but when she is away from him she just dissolves. I want to be there for her....but truly, I don't have any experience in this area at all. Any ideas?
Thanks
Laurie

Mostly, families going through this kind of thing need to know you are there and willing to listen, and to hug them when they need it. Other things that were a huge help when my mother was ill....provide a meal if you can. Or bring over a huge stack of paper plates. (I know it is not the most environmentally sound idea, but the last thing you want to do when a family member is ill is dishes!) Offer to watch her son if she needs to be somewhere with her hubby. Hugs to you, Laurie. You have a knack for being a bright spot in people's lives. Mostly, just trust your gut, and try to think of ways to streamline the daily stuff for them.

[zeebs]

Sit quietly together. Say something like, I'm here for you, and then be there, and be observant, and listen carefully. Maybe you will uncover a need she wouldn't have recognized and you wouldn't have anticipated.

[karen]

Yes...you're getting great advice. When my father passed away my grief was so profound that I couldn't do anything- for months on end. I couldn't even really eat for the first month. There was nothing anyone could say that would help, but friends just being there helped immensely.

Getting out of the house, having a reason to go somewhere, something to do, a reason to take a shower (yes it was bad) were all extremely important. And I thank God everyday for the friends who provided me those distractions, and helped me work though it.

Just those little, seemingly mundane acts of kindness helped more than most people ever knew. They were my lifeline.

You do have a knack for things like that. Coffee, movies, a hug or a kind word- just anything to show you care counts for a lot.

[tizzylou]

Laurie, the best thign you can do is listen, most times all someone really wants is someone to listen to how they are feeling, and not pass judgement on what they are saying. I remember an ex boyfriend telling me on the way home from the hospital after visiting his Dad who was dying from cancer, that he wished his father was dead . I was horrified at first, until he went on to say that it was harder to watch him suffer than it was to deal with the grief of death, which made alot of sense.

So listen my friend, offer to take care of her son, to provide them with some alone couple time, and reassure her that you are willing to do even the minor things, such as feed the dog, if it will make her life easier in the months to come. Jen's right paper plates and paper cups are a god send , and so is someone showing up with a prepared meal, in containters that they don't have to worry about getting back to the person, who prepared it.

[ladycattat]

Thank you all so very much for your wise and sensitive suggestions. I have been very fortunate in my life that no one I was ever close to has ever been diagnosed with a serious illness. When my brother died a year and a half ago it was extremely sudden and unexpected. The aftermath was unbearably awful, but at least we didn't have to go thru all the emotional wear and tear beforehand.
For identification purposes, I will call my friend *A* and her husband *D*. They have an appointment for D to get a 2nd opinion with an oncologist next week. A says D is kinda acting like nothing is the matter, and until they get any final results, he doesn't even wanna discuss it. She told me she comes from a family where cancer means death...that's it, so she is scared to pieces.She seems to want to just vent....and it works out well as her son and mine are great friends....they can run around my yard while we talk. I think as things unfold....I will get a better idea of where the *needs* are, and how best to help. We are also very fortunate that we live within about 30 miles from *City of Hope* which is one of the best cancer facilities in the country.
xx
Laurie

[Die Marchen]

Laurie, I send you and your friend my best wishes. The advice you have got is great.

I want to add one more thing - let your friends help someone else. It might sound strange, but I'll try to explain. My grandfather didn't survive the cancer, it was a long and very painful period and my grandmother was always with him. But what was making them ... "more alive" when they could do something for the others. I do not mean some serious help that will take all their energy (sometimes it is useful too as it really distracts) but some things to distract them and to make them feel more healthy.

For example grandmother told me that grandfather didn't want to eat at all, and tat it became hard for her to cook as she has no inpiration. The next day I called and told that I have some business not far from them, it will take a long time. Then I called to say hello and as if accidentally said that haven't eaten anything for hours and my stomach starts aching. She said - maybe you come after you finish it? Do I have time to cook something? I said yes and when I came she had a good dinner cooked, she was inspired and granddad went to kitchen too and he had good appetite. That is a stupid and simple episode, but I am sure that something like this does help. When they didn't want to eat and my mom and I was bringing them tasty meals they were saying - oh, we disturb you so much... we are bothering everybody and etc. They were suffering from the idea they are only taking and it was making them feel more sick. But when they felt they were giving too they were inspired. I were accepting help easier.

And don't forget the statistics: There are 12000000 cancer survivors in the US! and 7000000 of them are above 60 yo! So D has good chances. And the it is great you have access to the medical help!

Again - my best wishes to you all!

[ladycattat]

Hi Ladies......just an update on my friend's situation. They ended up getting a 2nd opinion from an oncologist and yes he does have lung cancer. It is on one lung, and about the size of an apricot. They are going to treat it very aggressively. He is going to have surgery next week to remove the tumor, and they expect it to go well. After that they will decide whether or not he needs to have chemo or radiology. Everybody is very optimistic at this point, and he is even joking that he doesn't even have to worry about losing his hair, since he already shaves his head.
We have been watching their son a lot, so to give them some alone time, and she comes over a lot just to talk, and I think it is helping her to just be able to let down her *braveness guard....KWIM*
Irina....Your idea about letting her feel better by making her feel useful was spot -on .....she loves to bake....it relaxes her.......and we sure aren't going to turn down homemade cookies
xx
Laurie

[Rosy1]

Laurie, it sounds like you are a really good friend. I'm sorry to hear that your friend's husband's diagnosis was confirmed. One thing that I found helpful when I was diagnosed with melanoma is an essay by Stephan Jay Gould called "The Median Isn't the Message." It's posted on the web at http://www.phoenix5.org/articles/GouldMessage.html. It's a message of hope for hard-headed scientific types. It explains why there's still hope even if most people don't make it very long -- there are a few who do. I don't know if it would be useful in your friend's case or not, but you're welcome to check it out if you want to. Since the time the essay was written, the thinking about the importance of keeping a "positive attitude" in the fight against cancer has changed a bit -- it's certainly OK to feel anger at being dealt the disease, and moments of despair are normal -- but most of us who are parents of young children when diagnosed with cancer want to know that fighting the good fight can lead to a win. Hugs and best wishes to you and your friend.
Fran

[Rosy1]

Laurie, how are your friends? I've been thinking of you all.