Silk Naturals

Thanks everyone

JenW wrote: Definitely have a party later, but only if that is something you want to do. Getting married is supposed to be more about the days after the wedding, rather than the one day itself. Many blessings on your life together.

That's a great idea and I know I was whining about it earlier, but I'm relieved that I suddenly no longer care about that. I think I was just getting caught up in the pre-marriage emotions and letting them get the better of me, and all the people out there looking at me like I'm crazy for not wanting a "real" wedding and making snide comments had even me second-guessing myself. This one woman who comes into where I work even went on the monologue about how some celebrity (Kelly Ripa I think? Not that it even matters really) said that she eloped because she wanted a marriage and not a wedding, and the woman rolled her eyes and said "I don't see the difference. They're the same thing. I guess to each their own but I think it's crazy not to want a wedding, that's only normal." And every time I saw her she'd keep saying things like that until I told her I won't be discussing this with her any longer. And I know this is a different issue, but the same type of emotions are involved for me... Eric and I are apparently abnormal too because we don't want kids either, but I have severe chronic migraines and my tmj doesn't help any and he has a few chronic health issues too... and even despite all of that, I'm not sure the idea of children would appeal to either of us even without those issues. We both know what we want, but sometimes I just start listening to other people too much and think there's something wrong with what I (don't) want, and start second-guessing myself because I must be crazy not to do things the "normal" way and other people's doubts really start weighing down on me. I'm sure that's what was going on with me last week, thinking that I wanted more the closer it go to the big day. I'm so glad that's all passed

On a side note we're both pretty upset that Eric seems to be having an allergic reaction to his ring. We both knew he probably would, he's extremely sensitive to most metals, and even things like the grommets on his jeans, something most people don't even think about, break him out into a rash wherever they come into contact with his skin. We'll be looking into some other options tonight, because it's important to both of us that he have a ring. It might just come down to a tattooed band, even if that does seem very Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee... but we'll be tasteful about it

Christine,

Just remember that you are the only one who has to live your life. If you choose to do it your way, and don't give in to what everyone else wants, you will be so much happier. I actually commend you for knowing so well what you want. If you don't want children, I say definitely don't have them. It is your choice to make.

Everyone's path is different. I am not sure I understood that so much when I was younger, but the years (of wisdom, hopefully) are finally helping me to see how limited my views were as a younger person. I think people mostly think in terms of what would make them personally happy...and they try to project that onto your situation without realizing that your choices are different. It is not that they are forcing you to do what they want, and I think they genuinely want you to be happy...so they draw the conclusion that what would make them happy should ultimately make you happy, too. Does this make sense? Maybe this will help a little for you to understand those who are seeming to push you into doing things their way. I hope that you don't have to stuggle with situations like that much, but I know you will have the grace to handle it, when you need to.

Big hugs, and best wishes!
And I hope you figure out that ring thing! I think the tats would be cool!

Oh honey, only you know who you really are and what's right for you. Basic psychology shows that people (especially when expressing individual opinions) generally want other people to agree with them. It makes a person feel validated, superior almost. Healthy, respectful discussion is one thing but when someone refuses to accept that you have a different point of view, often that's rooted in their own insecurity about their own opinions. I bet if that woman was challenged about the root of her chosen opinion, she wouldn't be able to give an original reason; many opinions people grow up with, accept and never think about and therefore they can't 'cope' with a different perspective because that would challenge something fundamental in their self-identity. I imagine that she perhaps knew how important a big, formal wedding would be for her and she didn't want you to have regrets. Doesn't mean it'd be right for you. Just be happy. Only you know what's right for you. Only the two people in any relationship know the dynamics, needs and limitations of that relationship. Sure you can try on other ideas but only you know what 'fits'.

Your journey is your own. And hey, someone wonderful just said that they want to walk every step of the way alongside you. That's precious. Don't let well-meaning but insensitive words take the shine off of it, not even for a moment.

edit - Just read Jen's comment - wholeheartedly agree.

CONGRATS!!!! You both look so HAPPY!!!!!!!

I did the same thing as you, I so understand where you are coming from with people's reactions. I heard this at least 5 times, "You have to have a party!! Just think of all the money and gifts you will miss if you don't have one." I was in shock when I heard it for the first time, by the 5th I wanted to scream, "Gee, now I know what is wrong with this world". You did what is right for you and that is what counts.

I get the same reaction with the whole kids thing. I've even had a few doctors look like they wanted to slap me...LOL!!!

JenK wrote:CONGRATS!!!! You both look so HAPPY!!!!!!!

I did the same thing as you, I so understand where you are coming from with people's reactions. I heard this at least 5 times, "You have to have a party!! Just think of all the money and gifts you will miss if you don't have one." I was in shock when I heard it for the first time, by the 5th I wanted to scream, "Gee, now I know what is wrong with this world". You did what is right for you and that is what counts.

I get the same reaction with the whole kids thing. I've even had a few doctors look like they wanted to slap me...LOL!!!

So glad to know that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way! I have to admit I was just speechless when some of my facebook friends that I met through *that other place* got together and all chipped in some money to paypal to me for our wedding, then another local friend mailed us a check, and some other friends bought our dinner in Atlantic City (which is where we did the paperwork, over dinner)- without their generosity, I don't think we could have even paid for dinner let alone spent two night in the new Hampton a few towns over, because Eric isn't getting his proper pay rate and is being shorted $2 an hour- that adds up to lot of money over the past 6 weeks. So I'm very grateful and humbled by the awesome friends I have, but never, ever did it cross my mind that I'd be missing out on gifts by not doing this the "normal" way. If gifts are all that matter to some people... wow. Materialistic much?

But I'm also so glad to know that I'm not alone on the whole not wanting kids thing. A few times I went through a "Who will spend time with us when we're old?" phase, but that's absolutely not a reason to have children and I quickly realized someone else, not myself, put that fear in my head. I think some people just aren't cut out to have kids, and that's ok. I'm sure if an accident happened, we'd keep and love that kid and not regret it, but we're still going to do everything possible not to be in that position because neither one of us wants that. It just really, truly, genuinely doesn't appeal to either of us, but we still occasionally discuss "what if" and it turns out that at least in theory, we're on the same page with everything. But that's always the next question people start asking... no sooner was the engagement ring on my finger then people started asking when I was going to "start a family." That one I'm sitting out, a coy "I already have a family" is all they need to know.

Now, if my dad would just stop bugging me about when he can start the next branch on the family tree he's been working so hard on these past several months...

Congratulations Christine. You look so happy.

I had a wedding myself. If I had to do it all over again I would elope. Other people just try to make everything about them. It isn't their day after all. I was really upset about the whole thing and felt the day had been spoiled. My brother's wedding I wasn't allowed to sit with the family and I hadn't seem my parents or grandparents in a long time. I didn't even get to see them and had to sit with strangers. I really don't have good feelings about weddings. I think you did it just right.

Christine: I raised 3 step children only because there father had custody of them when we met and married, and have a step daughter through my current husband. While I love each of them dearly would do anything for any of them, I don't for one moment ever regret not having children of my own. Like you , I have a family history with some significant health problems in it and just didn't feel right about passing those risks down to the next generation. As to who will take care of me in my old age, I would hope that one of my step children would step up to the plate, but just in case I have fostered a relationship with my 2nd cousin who is younger than me, and whom I feel I can trust to make the right decisions should I need someone to make them.

It sounds like both you and DH know what is right for you, and despite what the rest of the world thinks, you really only have to make each other happy , and make decisions based on input from the both of you, so hang in there. It will get easier overtime.

Many Blessings apon you and your beloved!
Laurie